WHO ARE THE ONE PERCENTERS ?
(….and how do you become one in this land of….opportunity?)

For the past several months we’ve been subjected to the rants of the –Occupy Whatever- movement about how “unfair” the American capitalist system is; and, how the wealth gap between the one percenters and everyone else has become much too wide.

Among their somewhat incoherent and unfocused demands they also claim that these dsstardly one percenters now control some 36% of our nation’s wealth, compared to only some 12-15% of it some twenty years ago, thus further cause for outrage. Of course they overlook the fact that, if that’s the case, then the rest of us control the other 64% of that wealth….almost twice what the one percenters have! So….where’s the beef?

Armed with some notes about questions to ask them about all that, I decided to wander down around one of those encampments of theirs to see if I could quietly chat with one of them, in an attempt to clarify and understand their mindset. As luck would have it I came across a young guy who seemed willing to have a dialogue with an oldster like me (the fact that I was wearing my old field jacket with a USAR lapel pin on it….and had my left hand tucked up in its sleeve, suggesting a missing limb, may have had something to do with his willingness to do so).

Here’s our dialogue that followed:
CENT – So….who are these one percenters?
OC Guy – (short pause)….a bunch of greedy people who don’t pay their fair share of taxes!
CENT – You mean, if I got greedy and quit paying my fair share of taxes…. I could be a one percenters? Hell if that all it takes….sign me up!
OC Guy – (looking at me as if I were nuts….but since I was smiling, he just grinned and shook his head). You’re pulling my chain….right?
CENT – Seriously, give me an example of who’s a one percenter.
OC Guy- Millionaires and Billionaires!
CENT – No, I mean give me a specific. Name one… OC Guy – (looking very uncomfortable)….well….uh…you know….rich dudes!
CENT – So…how do you become one….what’s the threshold for being a “rich dude”?
OC Guy – (showing signs of being very upset now by such questions) Like I said… millionaires…billionaires! CENT – I see. Okay, let me know if I’m right about this…a one percenter is someone who puts in a lot of time, effort, and money, to come up with an idea to either make something, or provide some kind of service, and then takes the risk to try it…to make a lot of money. Is that it?
OC Guy – (looking like he wanted to run away)…yeah…I guess so….
CENT – Okay, now here’s some names for you of people who are probably all one percenters… Let’s see….Jobs & Wosniak…with Apple, the Hewlett and Packard guys…with HP….the guy who came up with the idea for FedEx….Amos…of Famous Amos…the Colonel and KFC, Big Mac, Jack, the guy with the big head and carrot nose….Martha Stewart….and of course good old Oprah. Then…there’s a whole slew of folks from sports, entertainment, music…like Shakiel O’Neil, Montana, Ice T, George Clooney, Brangelina, Madonna, Lady Gaga, and all those big TV personalities….Regis, Letterman, Leno, Diane Sawyer, Brokaw…hell…we could probably come up with a book the size of the Yellow Pages, listing them all….and then some. And they’re all greedy bastards who don’t pay their fair share of taxes. Right? OC Guy – (now really itching to get away from me) You are nuts!
CENT – Nah….just an old grump trying to figure what’s it all about….Alfie!
OC Guy – Name’s Todd….dude.
CENT – Sorry, but, well, I figure there’s two options you could use to become a one percenters….almost overnight. OC Guy – Really….what are they?
CENT – The first one is….get elected to Congress….sit on your ass for two years, never saying a mumbling word, or doing anything except to show up and vote –NO- on any and all propositions, and do a bit of insider trading on the side…then…quit. You’ve made a small stash, and you’ve got retirement and health bennies…for life. Margaritaville….all the way!
OC Guy – (fully convinced I’m some sort of nut case by now)…you’re kidding!
CENT – Nope, but the second option is even better!
OC Guy – What is it? CENT – Well, you look like you might clean up nice into a presentable young stud muffin, so , you could do that, then find yourself a forty-something rich cougar lady….and be her boy-toy. The beauty of that deal, besides free room and board, and other benefits….any gifts you get from her….according to the gift giving rules of the IRS….are tax free goodies for you, and tax deductibles for her. Win-Win all around. You’d be a one percenter without having to do anything.
OC Guy – (frantically took off from an obviously deranged and dangerously subversive old coot).

Well, so much for dialogue. But a little while later I spotted him quietly folding up his pup tent and packing up his personal gear. Who knows….perhaps he was converted!

Only in America!

CENTURION