AN ALL NATURAL ALTERNATIVE
(…for quitting the Too-Fat Polka to become a slinky Waltzing Matilda instead…)

Some thirty years ago the health mavens of medical science, after several decades of research, concluded that there was an all natural alternative for quitting the Too-Fat Polka to become a slinky Waltzing Matilda instead.

Given current concerns about obesity here in America, perhaps it’s worthwhile to revisit what they were suggesting back then as the best way for keeping fit and staying slim. What they suggested for physical fitness and good health was to get back to basics. Diet fads, aerobics, jazzercises, jogging, handball, nautilus machines, etc., were all out and…SEX… was in.

According to their research…SEX…was the most beneficial and natural way for controlling weight, keeping fit, and relieving stress. Its other advantages were that it needed no special equipment, cost nothing (generally), could be done at any time of day or night, almost anywhere, with anyone, and as often as one might be inclined to do it. Best of all it was a method few needed to discipline themselves to maintain on a long term basis (once experienced it was rarely forgotten or given up). Thus, it was a perfect method for those whose will power might be too weak to stick with any kind of fitness program.

The reason those researchers thought that…SEX…was such a better way of controlling weight is because of it’s a high calorie burn-off activity. For example: * a one-minute-long passionate kiss burns up 30 calories. * a five minute bit of foreplay is good for some 400 calories. * a ten minute bout of actual sex will knock off another 1500 calories or so. Since all of that is usually part of having sex, an average fifteen minute session can easily dispose of 2000 calories with no trouble at all. So, compared to a Jane Fonda aerobics tape, ten laps in an Olympic-sized pool, a 2 mile jog, a week-long diet of cucumber sandwiches, or even an evening of extreme disco or lambada dancing…SEX…wins…hands down!

There were some collateral benefits besides. For men, they claimed it’s the cardio-vascular equivalent of a 5 mile run. So, if your doctor says you need to do 25 miles per week, a bit of simple math will tell you how much sex per week you need to meet that requirement (if your partner complains, just tell her you’re following doctor’s orders).

As for women, the researchers claimed each bout of sex disposes of 5 ounces of cellulite. While the math may be a bit more complex here, all that’s needed to know is what the total cellulite load is in ounces, divide that by 5 and…voila…a sex schedule that should be a nymphomaniac’s delight.

And for both men and women it also alleviates the stresses of modern living by generating a post-activity euphoric state of mind (perhaps even better than that from recreational weed).

Given all these beneficial effects they concluded that…SEX…was obviously a most efficient way to slim down and shaped up, both physically and otherwise. They thought it was especially good for those who are in what are called the “middle years”.

There are, however, some problems with…SEX…as a fitness routine, the main one being how to find a cooperative partner on a sustainable basis; but, the Finns, being a very progressive society, may have come up with a solution for that problem. Apparently their solution for that was to consider providing state-sponsored “sex vacations” for their working adults. Bravo Finland! If in fact that is true then we may soon see a change in touristic itineraries saying…bye-bye Bangkok… bye-bye Manila…and hellooooo…Helsinki!

Nevertheless, American entrepreneurial character being what it is, we may go the Finns one better by allowing private enterprise here to set up well-appointed “sex clubs”, which might soon become the “in” thing to replace all those chi-chi health clubs and spas currently cluttering up our American landscape these days. In that respect, the State of Nevada may have a leading edge over the rest of our states since it already has some experience with facilities providing somewhat similar services (but motivated primarily just for profit… rather than for health results).

In any event, to preserve anonymity and to avoid any “relationship” complications, membership in such “sex clubs” would only be designated by a first name and numbered tag, and, offering co-ed programs on a weekly basis in which each session would have the following routine: * a co-ed nude calisthenics warm-up period…about 10 minutes * a follow up co-ed relaxing hot tub soak…about 10 minutes * male and female members then paired by lot from their number tags and assigned to cozy private dens for a vigorous bout of sex…about 15 minutes * a restorative co-ed sauna session…about 10 minutes * individual briskly-cold finishing showers…about 5 minutes

Altogether a full session could run for 50-60 minutes each time, topped off with a complimentary healthy salad and juice bar buffet. Thus, with the average member following a two to three session regimen per week, this should soon whip everyone in America into top physical and mental shape.

Even some former Surgeon Generals gave…SEX…their blessing for this purpose, qualified by observing their safe-sex admonitions, because other studies and research have also suggested that…SEX…has very strong potentials for reducing mental illness.

Well, if all of that is true then…look out world…America could soon be back in a slimmer and trimmer form with a new version of an old Roman dictum from 2000 years ago:

MENS FELICITAS IN CORPUS DIVINUM

Loosely translated into English it means:

A HAPPY MIND IN A DIVINE BOD

And that, folks, is as healthy, slim, and trim as anyone can be.

CENTURION