THROUGH A LOOKING GLASS OF DELUSIONS
(in an imaginary interview with a desert dictator)

Most dictators operate through a looking glass of delusions. Some might just call it megalomania.  No matter, either way, they delude themselves that they are infallible about what’s best for their country and their people. Dissent is thus not….an option. But ultimately, of course, they fail, and very few ever die peacefully of old age in their beds (to paraphrase the old aviators’ dictum…. there are bold dictators, and there may be old dictators, but there are no bold, old dictators).

The following is an imaginary interview with one of these desert dictators, at the beginning of his regime, following a bloodless coup against the one he replaced. Any similarities to any existing one, is purely deliberate.

Dictator: (in an elegantly furnished and plush reception hall of the former regime’s palace.             Rising from a throne like chair, taking several steps towards a foreign reporter entering the hall, with a big friendly smile, and extending his hand for a hearty welcoming hand shake)…. Welcome! Welcome! I am very pleased to meet you. Please, sit down, make yourself comfortable (leading the reporter to a plush chair facing his own).

Reporter: (somewhat taken aback by his informal and friendly manner) ….Thank you. It was most kind of you to grant me this interview on such short notice.

Dictator: (still smiling, and offering the reporter some tea). Not at all! I’m always, always, happy to meet the Press, especially you guys from the West. You’re all so entertaining! So, what would you like to talk about?

Reporter: Well, I suppose the first thing I should ask is….how do you prefer being addressed, now that you are the new leader of your country?

Dictator: Oh, I don’t know….during our coup operations my radio call sign was – Top Dog Charlie – but, now that I’m in charge, I think I prefer a less authoritarian handle, something more benign sounding. Yes….I’ve got it! How about just plain – H.C -. That would be fine.

Reporter: (puzzled) H.C.?

Dictator: Yes….to stand for -Happy Camper- and now that I’m in charge, I surely am! (slapping his knee and roaring with laughter).

Reporter: Interesting. Never knew a self-promoted head of state to use such an informal title for himself .

 Dictator: Works for me!

Reporter: Right, so, how long have you actually been in power, H.C,?

Dictator: Six days, twelve hours, twenty four minutes, and forty eight seconds….

Reporter: That’s an extremely precise answer, H.C.

Dictator: In this business you have to pay strict attention to details…if you want to rule long…and prosper…

Reporter: I see. So what are your plans for your country and people, now that you are in charge? In which direction do you plan to go?

Dictator: Oh, I have great plans for my country and people. As to which direction I plan to lead them, I’ve come up with a solution that will always keep us on the right track to a proper destination.

Reporter: Really?And how will that work?

Dictator: First, I’ll be taking a page out of Moses’ play book…you know…the one who led the Israelites out of Egypt so long ago. But, I do believe my leadership will be much better than his.

Reporter: What do you mean?

Dictator: Well, it took him forty years of wandering in the desert, before he managed to get his people to their destination of the Promised Land. Of course, he himself, never actually got to see it., but I will, and, I plan to bring my people to it in half that time. Yes….my solution will bring us there in only twenty years. No doubt about it.

Reporter: Really? How will your – solution – achieve that?

Dictator: (rising out of his chair, and beckoning the reporter to follow him to a set of double glass doors opening onto a balcony)….take a look down there….what do you see?

Reporter: Not much, H.C….but…well, wait, there seems to be some kind of donkey down there, tied to a picket line, and he’s all decorated with garlands….

Dictator: That’s not a donkey, my friend. That’s…. a wild desert ass! You westerners obviously don’t know the difference between a donkey and an ass.

Reporter: What is the difference?

 Dictator: For one thing, the wild ass is not a lowly beast of burden. Indeed not! The wild ass is a tough and very intelligent creature, and it never fails to find its way to where it wants to go. So, he will be my solution to get us where we must go.

Reporter: I don’t understand, H.C.

Dictator: Simple, every day, after morning prayers, I’ll look at which way my wild ass is looking, and that will determine the direction we must go for that day. And that direction will always bring us to water. It’s uncanny how a wild ass never fails to find water, so, my people will never be thirsty for want of it.

Reporter: Let me see if I understand you H.C., you’re going to use that wild ass, everyday, to decide the direction you will lead your people and your country? 

Dictator: That’s right!

Reporter: Isn’t that a somewhat quirky, if not a weirdly erratic way to determine where you want to go? What will your people think about that?

Dictator: Not a problem. Besides, they understand about wild asses, and their capabilities.

Reporter: So, you think you will be able to use that method to lead your people to a promised land, in less time than it took the Israelites?

Dictator: Absolutely! You see, the wild asses they were using, while okay as far as wild asses go, weren’t quite as good as ours. Ours are smarter, so my estimate of twenty years to reach our destination goal is bound to be accomplished.

Reporter: Okay….but…what if some of your people dissent from that idea….or make disparaging remarks about following a wild ass around….what will you do then?

Dictator: I’m in the process of establishing new rules to handle such things. First of all, dissent will not be an option. Period!  Anyone who does so will be left on their own out in the desert behind us. Second, no disparaging remarks about our wild ass….will be allowed. Expressions such as –Dumb Ass-, -Lame Ass-, or- Fat Ass – will simply not be tolerated, and anyone using such expressions will be severely punished. Still, some leeway will be allowed. For example – Wiseass – or –Smartass- will be okay, since these aren’t really pejorative, but just affectionate statements of fact.

Reporter: Okay, but seriously, while your wild ass might always be able to find water for you, how about its skill for finding oil?

Dictator: Nope, it can always find water, but as for oil, well….no. For that, we’ll be using your foreign oil men. I mean, those guys couldn’t find any water unless they fell into some, but when it comes to oil….they’re like bloodhounds on a trail….they never miss. So that’s how we’ll handle that.

Reporter: And what will you be doing with all those oil revenues you’ll be collecting from them?

Director: Like I said, because I’m ruling…I’ll prosper. Why do you think I’m calling myself H.C.? (roars with laughter).

Reporter: You mean you won’t be applying that oil wealth to improve or develop your infrastructure, schools, roads, hospitals, and so on, for your people?

Director: (chuckling and shaking his head) Ah, my friend. You still don’t get it. We’re desert people. Desert people like us don’t need all of that. We have tents! And with all that oil wealth it will let us give all our people regular tent up-grades, so that should keep them happy as clams….while I run things the way I want.

Reporter: I see….and what will you be doing with your “share” of that oil wealth, H.C.?

Dictator: Well, I could wear Prada, but hell, since I’ll be able to afford all kinds of custom made costumes, of my own design, that’s what I’ll do with most of it. As for the rest, well, let’s just say, it will let me set aside a tidy nest-egg for when I retire. Social security? You better believe it! (almost splits a gut with more wild laughter).

Reporter: Hmmm….you’re definitely thinking ahead….in a very weird sort of way, but,  what will you tell those of your people who might ask you….where are we going, and how will we know when we get there?

Dictator: Easy…first I’ll tell them we’re headed for a Promised Land….then…I’ll tell them…I’ll let you when we get there.

Reporter: Do you think those answers will satisfy them?

Dictator: It better…what choice do they have? (laughs even harder than before). Well, do you have any further questions? If not, I’m afraid I have some urgent matters that need my attention.(rising, he takes the reporter by the arm, and leads him towards the door). Again, thanks for coming to see me. I’ve enjoyed our time together. Live long….and prosper, my friend….I certainly will!

Reporter: Thanks (as he leaves and heads down the long ornate hallway, he hears the roaring laughter of the Dictator echoing behind him).

POSTSCRIPT: After some forty years of the Dictator’s oppressive and kleptocratic rule, his people finally had enough and got rid of him. The moral of this story is….following a wild ass around for a while, may be tolerable, if not fun, but eventually when it turns into a                           –Dumbass- you may have to look around for a –Wiseass- or a –Smartass- ….to take its place. Even so, just remember….it will still be an ass.

CENTURION