MEET US IN THE CORNFIELDS, IOWANS
(…so we can hornswoggle you between the ears)

A circus came to Iowa. Well, a pachydermal part of one anyway, as a herd of Republican 2012 presidential hopefuls showed up to put on a show to kick off the campaign season ahead.

It wasn’t exactly up to Ringling Brothers standards, with three rings, dazzling displays of skills, thrills, and other wondrous things to –ooh- and –aah- about. No sirree, folks, this was just a small one ring affair with the participants making a so-so imitation of a World Wrestling Federation tag-team bout. By all accounts, not much of a show, the only real action coming from Bachman Yapper and the Romney Woofer exchanging lots of dash, slash, and flash, but very little substance. As for the other seven performers these seemed to just be there….as fillers…their contributions being to just emit periodic growls and yowls about that ….Obama guy.

So, what else is new? We go through this painful and tedious process every four years, enduring a cacophony of trumpeting herds of pachyderms and packs of braying jackasses, all banging and slamming at each other for months on end, until we end up with two opposing party hacks and told we now have to choose one of them for….President.

That’s a hell of a way to pick a national leader, especially since, by that process, we end up with two people we don’t really know, haven’t a clue about what either really stands for (beyond what their campaign propaganda machines throw at us), what they plan to do, or, how they might go about fixing what needs fixing, etc. And we wonder why nothing ever seems to change for the better.

Well, maybe it’s because even after some 230 years we still haven’t figured out a better way to do it. Either that, or else, we’re all really just masochists at heart who just have to have a perpetual pain in our asses…to keep us happy. Que lasgrima!

While arguing about this aspect of our political process with some friends recently, they asked me how I’d have us do it differently, if I were running for President. Terrified at the mere thought of such an unlikely thing, and thinking they were perhaps just pulling my chain, I just shook my head, saying….guys, I’m too much of a geriatric T-Rex and doubt very much anyone out there in voter country(tax-paying that is) would even consider me.

But my friends persisted, responding to that with…okay, wiseass, put your money where your mouth is….so here’s how I answered their calling me out about how I would do it:

“First, being an unaffiliated and independent candidate, totally unknown but to a few, with no great claim to either personal or professional accomplishments to my name, I’d simply copy a page out of an old Missouri guy’s playbook….Harry Truman….and embark on a year-long whistle-stop tour of the country….all fifty states of it.”

“Next, in each state I’d hold town hall type meetings with the voters, not in their major urban centers, but out in the countryside, talking to plain folks eye ball to eye ball, not telling them what they wanted to hear, but what, from my perspective, I thought they needed to hear. I’d be arguing and exchanging thoughts and ideas about where our country is, what kind of a fix it’s in, and about specific ideas for fixing issues of concern, and how we might go about resolving such issues. Furthermore, I’d also remind them that just voting for someone like me for President wasn’t good enough, they also had to vote in a bunch of like-minded people to Congress, otherwise the odds of accomplishing much of anything were pretty slim.”

“Lastly, I’d point out that what they were seeing is what they would get from me. They would know exactly where I stood on any of issue, so they could really assess me as a person, fellow citizen, and potential leader of our country. They wouldn’t be buying a pig from some political consultant/advisor’s poke. And I’d leave them with this thought….if they didn’t agree with, or like anything about my views on things, then please, not to vote for me, but for one of the other guys instead, and see how that worked out for them. And if it didn’t, I’d sure as hell hope they’d learn to vote smarter…next time.”

After listening to this mock campaign pitch of mine, my friends just laughed out loud, saying….that sure as hell wouldn’t get you elected….but you’ve got our votes. So, who’s up for pizza and beer….you buying?

Well, as they say back home, mamas don’t raise no fools in Missouri, they just grow them strong, upright, and true…and teach them to know….the right thing to do. Let’s hope the good mamas in Iowa are just the same. Besides, when it comes down to plain old common sense, the folks of Heartland USA….are hard to beat.

CENTURION