ANOTHER TIME OUT FOR A FEW CHUCKLES…
(…amid all those other dismal events and news swirling around us)

This is a forgotten gem from our archives from some twenty years ago. We used it once before, or some of its ideas, but this is the original version which, at the time, was submitted to various publications for possible publication, but, apparently none of their editors thought much of it…not even Playboy…so it never really saw the light of day. Here it is.

A NEW WAY FOR KEEPING FIT AND STAYING HEALTHY

The New Age approach to physical fitness and good health seems to be getting back to basics, and dropping all those diet fads, aerobics fads such as jazzercises, jogging, handball, and all sorts of fancy exercise machines.

These are all out. SEX…is in…or so say the health mavens of medical science. Apparently after several decades of research they have come to the conclusion that…SEX…may be the most natural and best method for controlling weight, keeping fit, and relieving stress (and it only took them some twenty years to figure this out?).

Among other advantages they found that sex needs no special equipment, generally costs nothing, can be done at any time of the day or night, almost anywhere, with anyone, and, as often as one may be inclined to have it. Best of all, it’s one method few of us need to discipline ourselves to maintain on a regular and long term basis. Once experienced it’s rarely forgotten or given up. All of which is great news for those who otherwise have very weak willpower to stick with any kind of fitness program.

The reason the researchers believe sex is such a good method for controlling weight is because it is a very high calorie burn-off activity. For example:                                                                          

*a one minute long passionate kiss burns up about 26 calories.                                                                                

*five minutes of foreplay are good for burning off about 460 calories.                                                                        

*a ten minute bout of sex will knock off about 1500 calories.

Since all three of these are usually part of having sex, an average session can thus easily dispose of some 2000 calories or more each time. Compared to a Jane Fonda aerobic workout tape, ten laps in an Olympic sized swimming pool, a two mile jog, a week long diet of cucumber sandwiches, or even an evening of heavy disco dancing…sex…wins…hands down!

There are also some other benefits. For men it is the cardio-vascular equivalent of a five mile run. For women each sex session is good for peeling off five ounces of cellulite. For both genders, it alleviates the stresses and strains of modern living because of the post-session euphoric state of mind it creates. It’s obvious, therefore, that sex is thus the most beneficial and efficient means to slim down and shape up physically and otherwise. It is especially good for those who are in their so-called…middle years.

There are some problems however, the main one being finding and keeping a cooperative partner on a sustained basis. Fortunately our Finnish friends may have come up with a possible solution for that. Being the innovative and forward thinking society that they are, the Finns are considering legislation that would propose periodic “sex vacations” as a workplace benefit. Bravo Finland!

American entrepreneurial acumen however may go the Finns one better with the following idea…setting up well appointed and equipped “sex spas” to become the in-thing replacing all those chi-chi health spas currently cluttering up the American landscape. As we’ve been informed about it such sex spas could typically offer the following kind of fitness program: *a nude co-ed calisthenics warm up session…about 10 minutes.                                                                 

 *a few easy laps in a hot tub…another 10 minutes.                                                                                          

*a vigorous sex session in a cozy den…about 15 minutes.                                                                            

*a restorative sauna…about 10 minutes.                                                                                                                                  

*a briskly cold finishing shower…about 5 minutes.

Altogether such a session might run 50-60 minutes each time, topped off with a complimentary salad/juice bar sampling to complete the program package. With an average two to three sessions per week, combined with a sensible but non-tyrannical diet, that could soon have everyone in America whipped into top physical and mental shape. Even Surgeon General Coop gave …sex…a qualified blessing (so long as his admonitions about safe sex are observed) because other studies have shown that sex also has a very strong potential for helping to reduce mental illness.

If all of this is true then… look out World…America may soon come back with a new version of that old Roman rule of 2000 years ago: MENS FELICITAS IN CORPUS DIVINUM. The approximate English for that being…A Happy Mind in a Divine Bod…and that, folks, is as basic as it can get!

CENTURION